We're leaving Laos in just three days, and it couldn't come any sooner. I don't have very many good things to say about this country right now...we've had at least one horrible instance of being scammed in every city we went to. Sure, we met some great locals who were sweet and witty, but when it came to accomodation and further travels, we were royally screwed and feel like we've been fighting for decent treatment and living standards ever since we arrived. We already expected to pay a premium as foreigners- it's no secret that we're charged ten times more than locals for the same things- but we know that for certain things where we paid good money and were promised certain things, we were blatantly lied to and basically punished for hours. So to give you all a window into what traveling through Laos has been like and the skills we've achieved along the way, I've assembled some handy pointers for anyone who wants to travel here.
1) Always stay on your toes.
The van you and your friends pitched in for will ultimately show up late, with no room but the roof for your thirty pounds of precious possessions. When the driver insists it can sit on the roof without any tie downs, climb on top of the van yourself to clip your backpack to the bars lining the van's sides because your demand for tie downs is being met with blank stares and shakes of the head. He certainly isn't going to do a damn thing about it, and he already has your money. Don't complain when you crawl inside and have to sit on your friend's lap until you reach the bus station, since this van seating nine has thirteen people and their bags shoved in. Also, try to get seats in the front, or you'll spend the entire van ride thinking of how you'd escape from the prison like vehicle should it plunge off of one of the many cliffs on your drive. And don't cry when your driver runs over a dog.
2) Pay attention to who you give your money to, and never let tthat person out of your sight.
'When you book a van to the bus station and are told to show up at 1:30pm for a tuk tuk ride to the station (stations are always out of town, so you pay a premium to get a ticket arranged for you but you get free transport to the station), chances are the man whom you gave your money to will not be there at 1:30. There will be no sign of him whatsoever, and your prepaid bus is in thirty minutes and the station is fifteen away. Thing is, this man has your money- even if you arranged your own transportation to the bus station to make the bus ride (because that free ride was included), you'd be out money. Be nice to the man in the business next door and ask him to please help you find the man that you gave your money to, because you don't want to miss your bus. If you're lucky (and you give him sad puppy dog eyes with a "Please, we just don't know what to do"), he will go fetch your "travel agent"who was down by the river having beers. Your agent smiles with a "ha, they found me" face and plays up the fact that he just lost track of time although he speaks no English and by this point you have no reason to believe him since you booked the ticket just two hours ago, so how could he forget this set time. When he takes you to the bus station, keep him in sight at all times, because he''ll leave you at the station without a bus ticket (just point at a bus, drop your bags, and drive away). When you demand a ticket (pretty much blockading his vehicle as he's trying to drive away), he'll hop out and introduce you to the bus driver who will tell you "It's ok." For a second you may think, man, maybe I overreacted. Things just run differently here! One person needs a ticket, another person doesn't. Each experience is different, there are no set standards for how to do things. Makes for some embarrassing moments, and gee, I must look pushy! I should relax. Oh well.
But then you realize it's a good thing you threw a fit, because about an hour into the ride in the countryside, someone will walk up to you demanding a ticket, at which point you must point authoritatively at the bus driver and then ignore his further requests for a paper ticket. Hiding behind your sunglasses and looking very determined is a handy skill, especially when you're in the middle of nowhere.
And if you booked a hotel online in advance, try and write down your booking fee and deposit info on a piece of scrap paper, because of course they'll have no record of the fact that you prepaid anything by the time you check out of your depressing accomodations where there are no locks on the doors and the night guard falls asleep at 3am every night. (At least you can sneak free waters from the front desk).
3) Don't let them overcrowd your vehicle.
This is the most often broken rule, as most buses oversell seats, and van drivers will make their girlfriends sit on top of your laps for five hour rides if you don't tell them "No" firmly. It's also well known that on the slow boats down the Mekong on the border, boat drivers will cram 120 people onto boats made for 70. So back to the van driver- chances are his girlfriend will also make your backpack fly out of the vehicle before it starts--- be sure you have your eye on whether or not your bag sits near a door. And don't be surprised when the empty bus you were on for three hours suddenly stops to let on about twenty more people than it can seat, turning the tops of your backpacks (which are out of your sight of course) into seats for school children who sit four to a two person seat. Cages of chickens, bamboo poles, sacks of rice will also make their way onto your bus. When you finally get off and remove your sunglasses, you'll have an impressive outline of dirt on your face.
4) Always get a receipt.
Hey guys! 'We're tired of these cramped buses and squished van rides with total strangers. Let's take over a van altogether and book up all the seats with our friends! Sounds good, right? If we're going to be miserable, we can be miserable together! Let's book it through our hotel. Friendly guy at the desk! We negotiated a good deal. And we got receipts for eleven people showing we paid. (Getting a receipt isn't enough- make sure they write PAID on it too. We learned that!) Sure enough, we show up to the van station and they're claiming two people haven't paid. "But we have eleven receipts that all say paid!" "No, two people haven't paid". But we have receipts! And so it continues, back and forth and back and forth, all the way down to asking him if he remembers each person who paid individually and breaking things down one receipt at a time. (And I had to demand a receipt for myself for this ride, even. Good thing I did) Even though he'll eventually say YES, he remembers those people paying, he'll still revert to claiming that two people haven't paid. It's an unbelievable face-palm, blood pressure raising incident. One hour later, after multiple threats to call the police, someone will give in, and your trip will finally start. Which leads me to...
5) Stand your ground. Know they're out to rip you off, and the price will come down.
Let's say you've heard about a lovely waterfall outside of town. It's only 10km away, and should only take about a 10 minute ride in a tuk tuk. And you're bringing friends, so that means more money for a driver! So, why does the tuk tuk driver want more per person to get you out of town and back for an hour than it costs for a bus ride to another city over several hours? Stand your ground, and bargain him down. Suddenly 120,000 kip per person is 30,000 kip per person, as it should be. And only pay when he's returned you to town- you don't want to be stranded at the waterfall, now do you?
6) Standards of cleanliness will always differ, but some things are unacceptable.
I'm used to bugs, thanks to a good ol' Texas upbringing. And I'm used to grime, thanks to formative years spent in New York City. Ants in the shower? Standard. Dust pouring in through the open window? Expected. Smog everywhere due to no emissions capping? Ok, makes me appreciate the lemon buster campaigns in the States. But when you hear about bedbugs and cockroaches everywhere and see mold growing all over your bathroom, you should make an effort of checking the mattresses and asking for the upstairs rooms. (Less flooding risks, less cockroaches.) And the kitschy popular bars in town that serve drinks in plastic pails (buckets) suitable for a kid's sandcastle building? Don't be surprised to hear that they wash them out each night in the river before reusing them the next day. Yep, that same river that you just tubed down for hours that everyone uses as a toilet. Oh, and that hot water that the desk attendant said is working? It doesn't. And he'll tell you to your face "Yes it does" when you say "It's not working."
7) Ask lots of questions.
Ooh, a trek involving cycling up to a hilltribe village? Sounds lovely. After all these long bus rides, it would feel good to get the ol' bones moving again. Lo and behold, it turns into the trek from Hell. Seems when the guide mentioned it was hard, we should've asked if the trails we were riding on were downright impossible to bike on. (Many vehicles couldn't even pass on them). And when the trek literature mentions witnessing the people of the tribe weaving in their houses and that you get to have lunch with the chief, you should've asked if this was really going to happen or if you were really just visiting a refugee camp where the people there had no clean, untattered clothes to wear much less a loom to spin something on. Threatening you want your money back and saying over and over again "this is bullshit" may actually get you somewhere, but you'll still have to walk your bike through snake territory for at least two hours uphill because your guide's cell phone has of course died, and the tuk tuk can't cross the raging creek you had to walk your bike over ages ago at the start of your trip.
8) Imagine the worst case scenario, even after staying on your toes, asking lots of questions, and getting a receipt. Because the truthful scenario will always be worse.
Last night I had the worst traveling experience of my life. I have a terrible head cold, and we were scheduled to take an overnight bus from Vientiane to Luang Prabang. Since I was sick, Roni booked the ticket, and this is a dramatic reinactment of the exchange between her and the travel agent:
Roni: "Ok, so do you have a sleeper bus to Luang Prabang?"
Lady: "No, only VIP. But VIP very good- very fast." **Note- VIP buses are a class of bus that has lots of room to spread out, even if the chairs don't fully recline**
Roni: "So it makes no stops?"
Lady: "No stops. Straight to Luang Prabang."
Roni: "No stops?"
Lady: "No stops."
Roni: "Is there a toilet on the bus?"
Lady: "Yes, a toilet."
Roni: "You're sure there's a toilet?"
Lady: "Yes."
So of course, we pay more than we've paid so far for any bus or van ride to be on an overcrowded vehicle (people sitting on plastic stools in the aisles and kids sleeping on their parents laps) with no working bathroom. Even if there was a bathroom, there would've been no way of reaching it as the aisles were full of barnyard animals and other people sitting on stools. VIP my ass, unless you can say that there were more Very Important People than there were seats. And of course, it stopped at least five times- one of the stops was for an entire hour at one A.M. in a deserted town for a meal. Several pee breaks were made where people just got off the bus and walked out into the jungle, and the driver himself frequently pulled over where there was no shoulder to get out to pee. Seems he had a bladder issue. Also, fog rolled in through the mountains, making for some close calls with other buses around tight corners thanks to no visibility.
Which brings me to number 9:
9) Be prepared to be lied to, and just accept the fact that some places you visit will be nothing like you had anticipated. Let it give you thicker skin, and move on to greener pastures.
and number 10:
10) Be honest about your experience in the hopes that other people won't have the same. My advice: steer clear of Laos. It was famed to be an unspoiled Thailand full of people so honest that they'd chase you down the street to give you your change you left behind. I'm convinced most of the people I've met would sell off their own mother to make a few thousand extra. Alright. I'm done. No wait, one more time. Laos, you really let me down. I'm sorry we screwed you over so badly in the 60's but I had nothing to do with that. I just wanted to love you. I really did, but you won't let me.
Off to Vietnam soon, where we've been told to say we're Canadian... I think we'll take that advice, since up until 1995 the American War Museum was actually called the American War Crimes Museum. (We call it the Vietnam War, they call it the American War.) Oooh, Toronto is lovely this time of yeeeear!